I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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