Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
