Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
