No awkward lesbian experiences without me
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
