Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
