Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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