I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Randomize
