Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
