:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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