I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
