we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
