she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
