My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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