Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
