Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he was CRYING into my vagina
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
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