I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
