I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
