alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
