I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
