I heard we made out
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
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