I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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