dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
