you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
