is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
