Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
