It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
