What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
