I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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