I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
