I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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