Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think people are normalizing furries
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
