What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
