Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
