On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
