One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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