I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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