I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
