can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
