I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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