Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
