Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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