This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Dicks are not precious.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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