how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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