I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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