for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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