My balls are so social today.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
