fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
