lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
