I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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