You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
