True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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