I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
